


Forgiveness Is Not Ours To Have

by assholemurphy



Series: Stories From The Promised Land [5]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, I'm so sorry, M/M, Monty cries, Not Beta Read, Post Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 00:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3671439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assholemurphy/pseuds/assholemurphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If they’re going to do this, Monty has to come clean about why he left, at least, that’s what he’s convinced himself of. He had to tell Murphy what he did, otherwise he’d never be able to get past it. So he does, and Murphy holds him close, but he can’t give him what he needs most. Murphy can’t forgive him, because forgiveness can only be given by those who have been forgiven themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness Is Not Ours To Have

**Author's Note:**

> Another Murphonty Drabble, this time with added angst!

Murphy watched in concern as Monty paced the floor. He didn't know what had gotten into his friend -Were they still friends? Should there be a different term now?- but he'd been pacing and fidgeting all morning and it worried Murphy. He'd started to ask what was wrong a few times, but every time he opened his mouth, Monty would look at him with wide eyes, like a deer in headlights, so Murphy had decided he'd wait until Monty spoke first. That had been three ours ago.

Shaking his head, he rose from the couch, he couldn't take it anymore, Monty's pacing was driving him crazy. He slowly walked over to the boy, trying not to startle him. He need not have worried about that because as soon as he was close enough, Monty collapsed onto him, his head buried in Murphy's neck. Murphy, surprised but pleased, wrapped his arms around the younger, hugging him tightly. “Wanna tell me what's wrong?”

“No.” Monty whimpered, trying to press himself closer to Murphy, despite it being physically impossible. “But I need to.”

“You don't have to.”

“If we're really going to do this, I do.” Monty pulled back and sighed. “And I really want to do this.”

“You don't have to tell me anything.” If it upset Monty this much, Murphy was perfectly fine with skipping the conversation forever. “It's alright.”

“No.” Monty declined the offer. “You need to know, and I need to tell you. Why I came here, why I left.” He paused to take a deep breath, “I banished myself, Murphy.”

Murphy froze, not sure how to respond. He'd done _what?_ Why the hell would he do that? What the fuck had happened after he'd left with Jaha? “What?” He managed to force out after a moment.

Monty shook his head and walked towards the couch, a still stunned Murphy in tow. He waited for Murphy to sit, then lowered himself down, as close to Murphy as he could get without being in his lap. He wanted to the closeness, needed it. He licked his lips and twisted his fingers in his lap, fighting the lump he got in his throat whenever he thought about his reasons for leaving. “I banished myself because I deserved it.”

“That's stupid, there's nothing you could have done to deserve that!” Murphy objected. Monty could never deserve something like that, he wasn't that type of person.

“Please, just, let me tell you, okay? Save your questions till the end.” The joke fell flat between them, Murphy nodding in resigned acceptance. Monty gave him a forced half smile and grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers. “Thank you. And I did deserve it. I killed people, Murphy. A lot of people. Hundreds.”

Murphy wanted to say something, refuse to believe what he was being told, but Monty had requested his silence, and Murphy would oblige, even if he couldn't wrap his head around the idea of Monty killing  _one_ person, for any reason, let a lone  _hundreds._

“I irradiated their home, killing them all. Radiation poisoning blisters your skin, sometimes your skin even falls off, it hurts, like every cell in your body is dying, because it is. It's one of the most painful ways to die, and I did that to them all.” Monty swallowed thickly, the memories of all the bodies resurfacing. “Everyone, Murphy, even little kids. I saw them. I did that to them.”

Murphy had no words this time, the idea of Monty, the sweet, innocent brat that had run around the house laughing the second he got that awful splint off, who'd unscrewed the lids from the salt and pepper shakers just to annoy Murphy, who'd stood in the kitchen in an apron and demanded to be kissed, that idiot couldn't be responsible for something like that. It just wasn't possible. “Why?” Murphy asked quietly. There had to be a reason, Monty wouldn't have done it if there wasn't a damn good reason, he was sure of that. Monty was a good person, he wasn't a killer.

“Mount Weather, they wouldn't let us go. They needed our bone marrow, to help them evolve so the radiation wouldn't hurt them anymore. They kidnapped us, caged us, and performed these experiments on us, tests to see if it would work. When they found out it did, they'd drain us of bone marrow, they were going to kill us all. But Clarke and Bellamy rescued us. Allied with the grounders and stormed the place, but it didn't work.” Monty paused, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to compose himself.

Murphy squeezed his hand gently, reassuring him that he was there. Monty looked at him for a second, his expression unreadable, before continuing. “The grounder alliance didn't hold and Cage, the guy in charge, he started torturing our people. They took them while I hid. I was so scared, I didn't even try to stop them, I just hid like a fucking coward.” Monty grit out through clenched teeth, his eyes stinging. “I should have tried to do something, tried to stop them but I just ran away because I'm a coward. I'm a coward and a murderer and they all think I'm some kind of hero but I'm not. I'm not, I killed people, Murphy, so many people.”

“Shh, it's alright.” Murphy tried to comfort him, but he doubted he had any effect. He tugged on Monty's hand, getting him to face him. He pulled the younger boy into his arms, holding him tightly as he collapsed into tears. “You did what you had to, it's okay.”

“No, it's not! I killed them all, Murphy! If it wasn't for me they'd still be alive. I programmed the computer, I opened the air ducts. I'm the reason they're all dead!” Monty cried, pressing his face into Murphy's shoulder, tears wetting his t-shirt. Murphy just held him, listening as he sobbed out the rest of the story. How he'd killed Maya, Jasper's girlfriend, how Jasper wouldn't even look at him anymore, and how everyone else treated him like he was some kind of hero. “'They couldn't have done it without me.' I know, I know that, because without me, they'd all be alive. All those people, all those kids, they didn't do anything wrong but I killed them! It was my fault, I _murdered_ them, Murphy. How the hell am I supposed to live with that?”

“You had to.” Murphy muttered, pulling back slightly so he could look Monty in the eye. “If you hadn't, everyone would have died. You chose your people, your friends, over the ones who hurt them. There's nothing else you could have done. You did what you had to do.”

Monty shook his head, his cheeks wet with tears he couldn't stop. “That doesn't make it right. They had lives, friends, and families, too. I took that away from them. The circumstances don't excuse the actions. I took lives, Murphy, innocent as well as guilty, without discrimination. I'm a murderer. How am I supposed to be forgiven for that? How am I supposed to live with it? I'm a monster, I shouldn't be allowed near people, I shouldn't be allowed anywhere. They should have killed me for what I did. I deserve it.”

“No.” Murphy refused the idea. Monty deserved wonderful things, hot showers, safety, love. He deserved life, and all the best that could come of it. “You made a choice, an impossible one, you shouldn't feel guilty for something you had no control over. If you had let the others die, you'd never have forgiven yourself.”

“I'll never forgive myself for this, either. No one will.”

Murphy swallowed hard, words turning to ash on his tongue. He wanted so badly to say _I do, I forgive you, you are forgiven,_ but he couldn't.

He couldn't forgive him, he wasn't a priest, he was a sinner, covered in scars and darkness, tainted from the inside out. He couldn't absolve Monty of anything, not with his soul as dark as it was, blackened by blood and the guilt he didn't feel. Murphy couldn't offer him the forgiveness he needed, he couldn't save him or help him or clean the blood from his hands, there was so much he wished he could do for the boy curled up in his lap, but it would mean nothing coming from someone like him.

Monty looked at him, eyes pleading for the words Murphy couldn't give. It would mean nothing coming from him. Empty words with nothing behind them. If he were a different person, a better person, he could give that to Monty. Give him the absolution he needed, but he couldn't. After a moment, Monty seemed to catch on to Murphy's struggle, nodding he laid his head back on Murphy, taking deep breath as tears continued to stream down his face. There would be no forgiveness, not here, not for the horrible things that had been done on this planet, regardless of the reasons behind them.

“I'm sorry.” Murphy breathed out, almost inaudible. He wanted to give Monty everything, but that, that was the one thing he couldn't give, and he hated himself for it. Murphy wished he could take the blame, like he had for Wells' death, like he had for his father's, like he had so many times before. He'd willingly be hung again if it meant Monty didn't have to carry this burden anymore. He'd have given anything to save Monty from the guilt and the pain. To fix him and save him and send him back to his friends, his family, back to everyone he loved and couldn't face. Monty deserved to be surrounded by them, not banished in the middle of nowhere with only Murphy as company.

Murphy promised himself right then, that he would do anything necessary to help the boy in his arms. To prove that he was still good, that he was still perfect, at least in the eyes of those who loved him. No, he couldn't offer Monty the forgiveness he needed, but he could hold him, wipe away his tears, and press gentle kisses into his hair. He couldn't save Monty, but he could love him, and he would do that until every part of the darkness that had leeched it's way into Monty's mind had been lit again, until Monty no longer felt the need to stay so far away from his family. Murphy couldn't heal him completely, he'd have to do that on his own, but he could patch him up, hold him tightly, and whisper stories full of loving words his father had once read to him until Monty was ready to return to those he'd left.

And then he'd let him go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is loved. If you want me, I'm here [assholemurphy](http://assholemurphy.tumblr.com/)


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